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its been forever since I wrote in here..

Jan. 17th, 2010 | 07:25 pm

Just really sad.. Wishing I had you. I will never understand why WE are the way WE are. I could of gave you the world, why didn't you feel it too? You will always be in my heart.  sadly. .You don't even deserve it either.

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why? ...............

Jan. 9th, 2009 | 12:04 pm

I wish things were different. I really thought we had something over summer. I wish I didn't want you.
will it ever stop? I wish I could love him like I do with you, but I can't.  I feel so wrong. No one knows.. I need you .



" :::: I FORGET ABOUT YOU, YOU START TO FADE AWAY, I STEP BACK AND BREATHE IN, YOUR SCENT IS STILL IN MY AIR, A PRISONER OF MY OWN BREATH. ::::: ''



I wrote that in the summer of 06. The best summer of my life .  And who I feel this for , is not the person I originally wrote it for .. its in one of my entries from that summer.

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nathan is gonna love iT!

Apr. 22nd, 2007 | 10:35 pm

I love keith! AND BABYS ROOM IS ALMOST DONE!! YAY FOR ME :)

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ITS A BOY!

Mar. 31st, 2007 | 12:39 pm
location: keiths house
Jammin to ::: t.v.

yes yes, its a boy, nathan william goodson is my son's name, im 22 weeks along which makes me 5 and a half months pregnant. 

HOW CRAZY IS THIS? the babys room is almost done, and I registered at target & toys R  us. SO yea. everything is underway!

me and keith are crazy happy and my life is changing everyday.

Last night I fell down the stairs, got really bad cramps, skinned my elbow, hurt my ankle and wrist and bruised my entire thigh, and had cramps, SO I freaked out and my mom said unless I start to spot I shouldnt worry.

so today I ache. I feel nathan kick so he is doing good im sure, I have a ultra sound monday, so If anything is kinda wrong, they will let me know.


well IM OUT! 

Raechel && nathan

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Ive got a feeling.

Jan. 27th, 2007 | 10:27 am
location: my house
feeling like ::: contemplativeyep.. I do not know.
Jammin to ::: say it right. nelly furtado

well. 


I will tell you that pregancy is one of the most worst and best things of my life. Only because I dont have support from keith which entangles me with sadness and despair.  He is just too immature about this. Im being strong and trying to do this all on my own. I can. My family is huge and I have all the oppurtunity in the world to be something plus a single  mom if the need be.. Im starting school in like a few weeks for medical billing. Im excited about that. I can actully start school now since the morning sickness has subsided. Its around every now and then. Not as bad as it was..  Last week I had a cold and the flu. MY LUCK.. lmao.  Keiths idea of being there for me is going to canada to the clubs while im pregnant. being drunk like 4 days out of the week.  spending one day with me a week.. sunday.  doing things that make me regret meeting him. making me feel like I felt over the summer and I swore that I would never let anyone put me down to that feeling. and he did it. I allowed myself to get that way .  Its different when you are pregnant though. YOu cant just leave and never see that person again. For the rest of my life, he will be in it. He says he loves me, more than I know. that he is there. He dosnt want to be single, He wants to marry me, but he dosnt show me the things I need. Its hard. Its hard when someone says those things to you, and does the exact opposite. what do you do?? what do you say?  Its such a difficult situation.  I love this little person inside of me.  I dont want to give this person away, or terminate this little person, who could cure a disease or be something so big.  I cant. I couldnt. And I dont want to.  I know its a girl!!! I feel it. The name is kendall.  If it were to be a boy, itd be evan. I cant wait till the baby is here. Summer isnt as far as it seems. I have heard the heartbeat too many times to not want this little angel.  I wasnt so smart about No condom. BUT, I wasnt supposed to be able to get pregant for like a year, after what I went through over summer.  I had a very low chance, and god Obviously felt I needed this little person. thatd Id be a good enough mommy to this angel. And the fact that its due on lisa's anniversary, makes sooo much sense. I will cry if It actully happens on that day.  Then I know that this is lisa telling me its alright :) . They asked me if I wanted the test to determine if the baby had any genetic deformities. well the test for cystic-fibrosis, they ask that, so if the baby has it, you can terminate the pregnancy. I said NO. I will love this baby so much , that I dont care if the baby has cystic-fibrosis.  I will love this baby just the same.  You think im selfish? I dont. Lisa, had cystic-fibrosis, and even though she didnt lead a long life, She knew what life was all about. She understood miracles, and what life was. how much she cherished it.  And if my baby, can understand the reason for  our existence and love life more than any other person in the world, then so be it and that right there, is what makes me believe that, just because you have it, dosnt mean you cant live life. LIsa lived life more than any other person I have ever met. As hard as her life was, SHE LOVED It.  She made life beautiful. And I know this baby, regardless of what might be , will make my life more beautiful.  She touched my life in so many ways, and I hope I can pass down the wisdom lisa gave me to my baby.

I cant wait for this baby. Just to hold my little punkin!! 
Im just dealing with alot of stressful things right now. And its scary. 
any advice ????

Raechel Jennifer

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hey ya'll..

Jan. 4th, 2007 | 08:47 pm

IM severly depressed. AND UPSET. anything to cheer me up?

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eck

Nov. 10th, 2006 | 10:49 pm
location: keiths house
feeling like ::: accomplishedI feel positive about this!
Jammin to ::: that 70's SHOWWW No music.

well well well


Ive been on my anti-depressant /anxiety pill lexapro for less than a week.. this is what happend.

I feel high all the time.  My body feels hyper and my muslces feel relaxed. I have a migraine and I dont want to eat because my stomache aches.. and im not that happy.. SO.. damn side effects need to QUIT. 
this is a great diet pill. so soon it should kick in and let my seratonin level increase! its low does first week then upped the second.  cant wait to see how that one works. I hate courts they suck!  back to court in december, I just wish this all would stop. AND HAVEN a place/group talked with me about domestic abuse and how I overcame it and all and they want me to speak infront of groups for people who were in my shoes and dont realize the severity of it in the end. I can maybe change many lives with my words, or even one, still thats more than what half the world can do in one day . I plan on being something big, something helpful, one way or another, im going to make a difference in the world and be remembered by it. I want to help out as many people as I possibly can because that would just be a dream cometrue.  

I knew god had a plan.  A big one. Thats why I had to go through all the experiances I did, because he knew something big would happen for me and Changing lives is definantly something I would love to do. all I know is that I didnt know how much of a impact I could have on certain people. The people at HAVEN said because I overcame what I was going through. Realized how nice life is without all that drama and unwanted hurt, they asked me to be a speaker because of how empowering I Came across to them. Im very honored and it makes me believe that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Something I never truly believed in before. until now.

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(no subject)

Nov. 7th, 2006 | 06:21 pm

well well well.




I started my anti-depressants today and birth control thursday.. I also have court thursday against dan. IM scared, nervous. its the Testifying against him that scares me. I have to look at him and tell the judge how bad I got hurt from him . what he said. everything. Ive been so uber depressed latly. I almost want to give up. My family thinks im a idiot and loser. my mom and dad think im on drugs. everything. Its like im slowly losing alot of things. Ive been optomistic for the most part but.. its worn off and im tired of trying to be positve. when everyone around me keeps telling me im a failure. 


I have been through one hell of a year. mostly downs, a few ups. a FEW.. like one. two.. not hit three yet. 

IM so tired. of being sick and tired.. and sick, and tired.  everyday I ask god why im here. Ive yet to recieve my answer. 

most of the time I feel everyone is better off without me. its getting really difficult now. 

its my life. aint the worst, but damn.. how much can one person handle.
seriously? 

and I have to go to court alone, my mom and dad dont want to go. Keith can cuz of work. amy isnt cuz she wasnt called and has to work, and heather has school..

im so alone! gahd. 

I need to be saved..

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just thought I should say..

Nov. 4th, 2006 | 06:57 am
location: keiths house
feeling like ::: cheerfulYAY!
Jammin to ::: nothing, watching tv.

well well well...

IM INLOVE

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(no subject)

Sep. 17th, 2006 | 12:36 pm

wel well well... I always start off my entry that way.. lmao.. been doing it for an entire year.

 

let me update you all.

I started dating keith in august, we became close instantly and fell in love YES IN LOVE.  He gave me a gorgeous promise ring. It has alot of diamonds on it and boy, its beautiful, and what makes the ring sparkle so dang much is, LOVE.

we are getting married in JUNE.. well try to atleast!!!  IM SO HAPPY..

I found contentment in my self before he even came along ,t hats why this works out so much..

when you thought youve loved someone before and you do fall in love, time does not matter, love is not measured by time, its measured by love.. you can't explain it, only a million words could try. but I know what ive found.. and its mine.

 

YAY!

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