when I looked out my window, I wished on a star...

I wish things were different. I really thought we had something over summer. I wish I didn't want you.
will it ever stop? I wish I could love him like I do with you, but I can't.  I feel so wrong. No one knows.. I need you .



" :::: I FORGET ABOUT YOU, YOU START TO FADE AWAY, I STEP BACK AND BREATHE IN, YOUR SCENT IS STILL IN MY AIR, A PRISONER OF MY OWN BREATH. ::::: ''



I wrote that in the summer of 06. The best summer of my life .  And who I feel this for , is not the person I originally wrote it for .. its in one of my entries from that summer.

I love keith! AND BABYS ROOM IS ALMOST DONE!! YAY FOR ME :)

yes yes, its a boy, nathan william goodson is my son's name, im 22 weeks along which makes me 5 and a half months pregnant. 

HOW CRAZY IS THIS? the babys room is almost done, and I registered at target & toys R  us. SO yea. everything is underway!

me and keith are crazy happy and my life is changing everyday.

Last night I fell down the stairs, got really bad cramps, skinned my elbow, hurt my ankle and wrist and bruised my entire thigh, and had cramps, SO I freaked out and my mom said unless I start to spot I shouldnt worry.

so today I ache. I feel nathan kick so he is doing good im sure, I have a ultra sound monday, so If anything is kinda wrong, they will let me know.


well IM OUT! 

Raechel && nathan

well. 


I will tell you that pregancy is one of the most worst and best things of my life. Only because I dont have support from keith which entangles me with sadness and despair.  He is just too immature about this. Im being strong and trying to do this all on my own. I can. My family is huge and I have all the oppurtunity in the world to be something plus a single  mom if the need be.. Im starting school in like a few weeks for medical billing. Im excited about that. I can actully start school now since the morning sickness has subsided. Its around every now and then. Not as bad as it was..  Last week I had a cold and the flu. MY LUCK.. lmao.  Keiths idea of being there for me is going to canada to the clubs while im pregnant. being drunk like 4 days out of the week.  spending one day with me a week.. sunday.  doing things that make me regret meeting him. making me feel like I felt over the summer and I swore that I would never let anyone put me down to that feeling. and he did it. I allowed myself to get that way .  Its different when you are pregnant though. YOu cant just leave and never see that person again. For the rest of my life, he will be in it. He says he loves me, more than I know. that he is there. He dosnt want to be single, He wants to marry me, but he dosnt show me the things I need. Its hard. Its hard when someone says those things to you, and does the exact opposite. what do you do?? what do you say?  Its such a difficult situation.  I love this little person inside of me.  I dont want to give this person away, or terminate this little person, who could cure a disease or be something so big.  I cant. I couldnt. And I dont want to.  I know its a girl!!! I feel it. The name is kendall.  If it were to be a boy, itd be evan. I cant wait till the baby is here. Summer isnt as far as it seems. I have heard the heartbeat too many times to not want this little angel.  I wasnt so smart about No condom. BUT, I wasnt supposed to be able to get pregant for like a year, after what I went through over summer.  I had a very low chance, and god Obviously felt I needed this little person. thatd Id be a good enough mommy to this angel. And the fact that its due on lisa's anniversary, makes sooo much sense. I will cry if It actully happens on that day.  Then I know that this is lisa telling me its alright :) . They asked me if I wanted the test to determine if the baby had any genetic deformities. well the test for cystic-fibrosis, they ask that, so if the baby has it, you can terminate the pregnancy. I said NO. I will love this baby so much , that I dont care if the baby has cystic-fibrosis.  I will love this baby just the same.  You think im selfish? I dont. Lisa, had cystic-fibrosis, and even though she didnt lead a long life, She knew what life was all about. She understood miracles, and what life was. how much she cherished it.  And if my baby, can understand the reason for  our existence and love life more than any other person in the world, then so be it and that right there, is what makes me believe that, just because you have it, dosnt mean you cant live life. LIsa lived life more than any other person I have ever met. As hard as her life was, SHE LOVED It.  She made life beautiful. And I know this baby, regardless of what might be , will make my life more beautiful.  She touched my life in so many ways, and I hope I can pass down the wisdom lisa gave me to my baby.

I cant wait for this baby. Just to hold my little punkin!! 
Im just dealing with alot of stressful things right now. And its scary. 
any advice ????

Raechel Jennifer

IM severly depressed. AND UPSET. anything to cheer me up?

well well well.




I started my anti-depressants today and birth control thursday.. I also have court thursday against dan. IM scared, nervous. its the Testifying against him that scares me. I have to look at him and tell the judge how bad I got hurt from him . what he said. everything. Ive been so uber depressed latly. I almost want to give up. My family thinks im a idiot and loser. my mom and dad think im on drugs. everything. Its like im slowly losing alot of things. Ive been optomistic for the most part but.. its worn off and im tired of trying to be positve. when everyone around me keeps telling me im a failure. 


I have been through one hell of a year. mostly downs, a few ups. a FEW.. like one. two.. not hit three yet. 

IM so tired. of being sick and tired.. and sick, and tired.  everyday I ask god why im here. Ive yet to recieve my answer. 

most of the time I feel everyone is better off without me. its getting really difficult now. 

its my life. aint the worst, but damn.. how much can one person handle.
seriously? 

and I have to go to court alone, my mom and dad dont want to go. Keith can cuz of work. amy isnt cuz she wasnt called and has to work, and heather has school..

im so alone! gahd. 

I need to be saved..

wel well well... I always start off my entry that way.. lmao.. been doing it for an entire year.

 

let me update you all.

I started dating keith in august, we became close instantly and fell in love YES IN LOVE.  He gave me a gorgeous promise ring. It has alot of diamonds on it and boy, its beautiful, and what makes the ring sparkle so dang much is, LOVE.

we are getting married in JUNE.. well try to atleast!!!  IM SO HAPPY..

I found contentment in my self before he even came along ,t hats why this works out so much..

when you thought youve loved someone before and you do fall in love, time does not matter, love is not measured by time, its measured by love.. you can't explain it, only a million words could try. but I know what ive found.. and its mine.

 

YAY!

Y Ou know what ya'll. IM SINGLE again, due to Dan being immature and not ready for a commited relationship. OH and fucking me over by cheating on me!:) aint that cute?? The last week I have felt pretty fucked up. Really fucked up. But i understand that IM gonna get through this. HE DOSNT DESERVE ME EVER AGAIN. If ya'll only knew. He dosnt deserve my smile or my heart. AND if it kills me, he will never get it again. Im still inlove with him and I love him and care what happens but its seeming he feels the exact opposite which is fine by me. Because I dont Need that shit in my life. Life is already complicated enough as it is. I dont need dan bringing me down like he is.  Im strong, BEAUTIFUL, and such a awesome person with  THE HUGEST CARING HEART EVER and if you are gonna let someone like that just walk out of your life, then you dont deserve them in the first place.  as hard as it is and as strong as Im gonna need to be, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. Walk away .. 

" && when you start to miss me, Remember  you let me go "

I have a job at hansons. IM still in love/ I have a cell phone/ and Im going on a kickass diet. I drifted, gained about 5 pounds back maybe but damn it I will be a skinny brunette bitch! if It fucking kills me. so all in all IM okay. 


ps I love my friends.


Raechel Jennifer

well.. well.. The last time I wrote in here was pretty sad. and heartbreaking. how ive been latly? let me tell you.  CUZ I don't know the correct term for it. 

im single. I hangout w/ my friends. all the time. I work my job 6 days a week and I bring home that money$$. I still cry myself to sleep at night. I still feel so alone when I wake up. AND my body has shed about 25 pounds in three weeks due to not taking care of myself. I dont eat anymore really.  my life seems so unreal at times. I realize the best and worst aspects all at once so im not happy  nor sad.  Just there and that feeling really fucks me up. I take zanax like no other just so I dont know what the hell is going on anymore. because reality is kicking my ass right now. IM really tan and alot skinnier, hair is long, everything is great on the outside, but the inside is torn apart. I Have my nails done, my hair is awesome and I wake up feeling worthless. how about that one. I also bought myself a cell phone. NEED MY NUMBER ASKS cuz chances are with what happend to my last one, I dont have any numbers at all. 

so.. I sit here just amazed at what I had: cell phone, a house, car, fiance, life, happiness. 
now I have :  cell phone. what a great fan fucking tastic trade off huh ?

" :::: I FORGET ABOUT YOU, YOU START TO FADE AWAY, I STEP BACK AND BREATHE IN, YOUR SCENT IS TILL IN MY AIR, A PRISONER OF MY OWN BREATH. ::::: ''

I wrote that at work yesterday. Just came to me out of the blue. Its how I feel.. I miss my life. 


Raechel Jennifer

He left me, yesterday it was official, He took my ring off my hand and my cell phone and left. I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. Im so hurt and confused and I just want him back. thats all I want. I can't eat, or sleep, I Just need him back. I can't deal with this. what the fuck am I gonna do??? I can't stop crying. We were supposed to get married? why did this happen to me? WHY? I don't know what the fuck to do. someone please say something.

Raechel

BLAH,  I have a headache from hellll..



Raechel Jennifer

kay.. its day five of living apart from dan. AND I gotta tell you all, it was much harder than I thought. much much harder. BUT I guess everything will be okay. 
So. Now I understand alot of things. ALOT MORE. This move made me realize alot so  I guess that is why it had to happen.  But im still way nervous about it. My optomism can't carry me this far through out it.  I miss my friends. so yea. See im a dork, and I fully understand this, but I gotta be better, different. that's all. IM SO HUNGRY.. cheese and RICE my goodness.
See, being xjust_one_wishx is not easy sometimes.  I have just one wish. its for everything to go back to the way it was or get better.





Sincerly
Raechel Jennifer

well. latly, alot has been different.. but  its going to get better.. alot better! sitting here smoking my cigarette listening to music has become a regular while typing in here.  which is actully fine by me.  Dan and I aren't going to see eachother every day. AND that's gonna be hard on me but won't kill me. We talked yesterday and I realized alot. A whole lot. Im kinda glad to be back home. I get to see my momma and daddy alot more. Which makes me happy.  I understand alot of things now. my faults especially. My own insecurities led to a down fall but now I can bring myself up out of what happend. And we can better ourselves again.  I understand why I did the things I did. It was because of a past relationship that I had, way before dan, the guy, I won't name who talked to another girl, I got mad, he said no worrys, and I tried to not care but I still did, then I got grounded, he took the girl to the mall, then, we end up breaking up because of a stupid reason and he started dating her.  When I let it slip the last time, I got fucked over, but with you its so different, I trust you I just got nervous, you havn't done anything to prove to me you are untrustworthy. and its my own fault for the actions I Pulled.Its only because I care, not because I wanna fight.  You told her you loved me and all that we are engaged and you did all you were supposed to. I took it out of context and that's my fault.  so there is my sorry.  which I know you won't read this but I will tell you about it later and this gets it off my chest.

so now I sit here listening to music, waiting for my pizza to be done. My allergys are horrendous but I will be okay.  I wake up so early now, 6 am. for no reason. I don't have a job or school yet. KEY WORD YET. so yea.  I think my pizza is done so now im gonna eat it. 


write in here later

Raechel Jennifer

kayy... so last night went to my house to pack up more stuff to bring to my momma's. how not fun, but then when we got to my momma's we seen faith and alisha and I was like way excited about that .lol.

So my new house arrangement has been really odd and difficult for me to adjust to. I can't fall asleep and stay asleep without dan. Its really hard, I probably got like 8 hours of sleep the past two days.  I mean, Last night he came over at about 9 with wendy's and we watched the veronica mars SEASON finale.  Then he had to leave at ten because he had to take something to his brother.  So a hour was what I got to spend with him and he rolled cigarettes while watching it and I sat in a chair.Wasn't the most romantic, but eh, AT LEAST I had gotten to see him. 

its just gonna be hard for a while but we will get through it. Damn my optomism. .. grr sometimes I wanna slap my self for being so Optomistic.. lol.. 


Im gonna finish redoing my myspace... catch me on there.

www.myspace.com/playboygirli

Raechel Jennifer

welll well well, sitting here, at my momma's.... smoking my cigarette..  listening to carrie underwoods Jesus take the wheel.. I love that damn song.

I have a carmen electra work out dvd.. Not the stripping one, the one that gets you FIT.. it hurts but im gonna be so damn awesome looking by end of june!
My health has become a priority to me , duh, except for the cigarette smoking lol obviously.  now im listening to seether and amy lee from evenescence.. my favorite band!

I have to start unpacking.. I hate unpacking.. but ey, its alright.  Moving back into my moms.. reminds me of my graduation, and summer and all that entailed.  My favorite part of my summer was spending it with my friends and of course, realizing what I deserved and that was AKA Dan.  I used to hate summer, HATE IT. but now its alright. July is still a hard month for me but eh, its gonna be alright. Im so thankful for my family.  I love it when it starts to get hot out, everyone that has a birthday, which is each month , you all know my family is huge, lol, but we all sit on the deck and get sun and the weather is so nice and then at night if everyone  is still there we have a bon fire! I just love it. 
 

I miss my friends so much. Now at home, I have more time, amy bethune came over almost every day a few weeks back, we looked for jobs and we worked out to my dvd.. its so much easier when you have a friend to workout with, well dan and I are getting memberships to gyms soon!.. way excited, my diet started today.. I wanna be really tan and fit for summer,  and my wedding, I will. I can do it!! I only have thirty more pounds to go, I had fifty but now im at thirty . YAY! I took a diet pill called slim quick and I lost mad inches!  but it messed with my hormones and sent me to the E.R.. lol I know.. it was crazy. but I will not take those anymore, obviously, I would be a dumb ass to continue that..  Im just gonna do it the old fashioned way, HARD WORK OUTS and HEALTHY FOOD.. slim quick did help me get motivated, but I don't like hospitals and I.V.'s so yea..

Healthy food and workout will be the only thing you can do to get to a goal weight and not bloon up when you end your diet, if you stick to a merely strict plan.  My acne has done a total 180, IM highly excited about that, It got really bad last year from all the stress and just seemed to go away with astringent and moistureizer daily. I have the few red blemishes that you occasionally get but that will be fine in a few days..  I get my tanning membership soon, I have been laying out in the sun and getting burnt, lol, I need the color.. I look better red than casper-like.. lol.  

My aunt jennifer, was like really huge then she did this thing from beaumont clinic where you don't eat at all and you just drink shakes, and she is way skinny now, five months she has been doing this, but she is cocky about it and everyone says when she starts to eat again, she will get fat so im not jealous, She tried giving me her fat pants. I was like what???????  I buttoned them and zipped them and they fell off.. She was just rubbing in about her skinnyness but whatev.. I will be at my goal weight in a month and three weeks. thirty more pounds!!! yay, last year it was seventy pounds because I had gained so much weight from stress, then it went down to fifty, I lost 20 pounds in the summer then I lost ten with slimquick, now I just need thirty more and Im there, its really not that hard to get off thirty pounds.. 

Im like totally excited about all of this. well I need to get down stairs to unpack.. I will be back later.. talk to yall soon!

Raechel Jennifer

well.. I Miss you all , very much so.. I miss the talks, the late night shopping at meijers, everything. but IM alright. Well, having a house is a huge thing, a big responsibility, and actully a little unfortunate because we couldn't make the payments, so I now reside in my parents basement. Dan and I will get a apartment in july, or early august, An a apartment will be much easier, and we both went into that house with back debt and it caught up with us. Five months in that house, and now sadly we packed today and today is our first night away from eachother. SLEEPING, I will probably not be able to do.. :( but Im alright.

My job at lovers lane fizzled because they are pricks. so, that is what led to the downslope of financial difficulties. But we are okay. He will pay off his debt, I will with mine, then I start cosmetology school in a week or so. That is a positive thing, and something that will pull me into the status of a hard working individual loving her job.. Dan and I do not live together now, because my dad said he couldn't live in the basement, We were gonna pay 400$$$ a month, but my dad said no.. we just can't afford our house, the payment with utilities, so he is residing at his moms, and I at mine, till we get adjusted. We have been planning the wedding, picking the places, I with the dresses and invitations, It will be o7 like planned we just don't no the exact date. lol. I know I know. Im so Picky. lol.

But being apart will bond us together and make us stronger than ever. We are both inlove, and will love eachother till the day we die. I love being engaged. Its such a feeling of happiness and joy. All the things you either gave up on trying to feel, or never thought you could feel. Ive grown so much as a person, and I have experianced alot with life as an adult and I say, Its harder than shit, but I can do it; And I will. My life has its ups and downs, where Im mad at the world sometimes, but then something happens and it makes me realize, what positive you can receive out of your life, and how life can show you what it really means.

I don't see my moving back into my parents house as me being a failure, because, Im getting on the right track. ya sometimes have to take three steps back to get four steps ahead. And that's just fine as long as you realize what you can do, what you should do and what you are going to do. AND DO IT!

Yea, IM going to miss him being next to me every night and holding me so tight till I fall asleep, and waking up in the morning at 5 am to make his lunch and kiss him goodbye to work,And waiting at the door to greet his arrival upon returning from work. but I will be alright.

you sometimes have to give up the things you love in order to keep the things you love.
we may not get as much time to be with eachother, but its not concrete, not in stone that we can't move back in with eachother when we get our $$$ together, its just a temporary thing, and in life, some things arn't going to be easy, but as long as you are focused, believe and are positive, Your result has to be anything but bad.

Life never goes according to plan, but as long as you know how to deal with the situation, or try to, you will be alright, It may seem unfair, or horrible, but sometimes its just right.

I am not who I used to be, the girl who was so sad and didn't see what she possessed, the one who was always so hurt and mad at everyone, and only talked about how horrible her life was, when really it was learning and growing up, yea, some difficult stuff in there, but that didn't make me. The one who never talked about what she was blessed with even at hard times, the one who relied on empathy from people to know that she had someone or someones that cared. IM not that girl anymore. I was sad at first about this move, but its really okay.

You have to look at what life gives you, it may be a pencil, a thought, a flower outside your window or a little green clover in the grass, Its always there for a reason. a Pencil to write away at numerical problems or in journals, a thought that could one day lead to a cure for a terminal illness, a flower outside, to show you the cycle of life and how short and beautiful it can be , and when that flower gets rained on, it just grows and grows, dosnt back down, not till the existence known. a clover to show you that luck is just around the corner, the little things are what we all forget, and at our saddest we think don't exist. And at our happiest we see , everything..

Life is like sewn design on a pillow, the design on the outside looks simple and pretty and on the inside its a mess with differetn colors and different lengths of yarn,and knots, its exactly what life is, sometimes it looks so easy but when you get around to the detail and look inside, its hectic.


I have grown and learned so much, and I wish that anyone that reads this understands me more now.

So , like I said, Im a little off track, and its actully perfect.

Raechel Jennifer

well. Ive been engaged for about two weeks.. It's so nice to have dan. actully its the best thing in the entire world. To find the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with and they feel the exact same because in there heart they know your the one. I can't believe he asked me to marry him. My ring is so pretty..  its gorgeous. My wedding is JANUARY 19th 2007. SO a  year and month to plan a huge ass wedding for over 200 guests. yea. my family is huge. and I want my good friends there so yea, over 200 is about right. Im just so happy with life right now.. And my wedding is going to be gorgeous and huge and I can't wait to walk down that aisle towards dan and see that smile that I wake up every morning with and know that that smile will carry me through the greatest and hardest times in my life to come. knowing that, im content.

im so INLOVE. He is the best thing to ever walk into my life. We keep eachother grounded. Nothing better than coming home from a hard day at work and he is there. Oh yes, by the way, I work at lovers lane. Its the best job !! haha its fun and DIFFERENT! he he no doubt, great benefits and its a easy ass job. One of my hilarious quotes from work. " would you prefer the 8 inch or the 12 ?" HAHAAHAHAHA...and im not talking about SUBS. yea, thats about it. lmao.. oh.. im wide awake and happy as hell..  welp, all, I think I have said all that needs to be said.

 

Love future Raechel Jennifer Mcculler